Thursday, February 21, 2008

Leave it to the Professionals.......

Ok, to the faint of heart, just want to let you know that this story may cause you to feel faint. Now, this story was sent to me through an e-mail and thought that because waxing is one of my professional duties I would share this story with you. This is why I have titled this one "leave it to the professtionals"

Also you will have a good laugh!!!! Since our theme for this week is laughter, I thought I would include this story in my blog.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, playwith the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So, I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those"cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. how hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold Wax",yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next strip I move North.

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering half of my *hoo hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek ( Yes it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself...RRRRIIIIPPP!!!!!!! I'm blind!!!!!! Blinded from the pain!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull half the strip.) CRAP!!! Another deep breath and... RRRIIPP!!! (Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I might pass out...must stay conscious... Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy-a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX!!!!!????? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!! (I hear the slamming of a cell door.) My *Hoo-Hoo*??? Sealed shut!! My Butt??? Sealed shut!! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, " Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head might pop off!!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than used to torture prisoners of war or sterize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the scalding hot water. Which by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good converstaion starter~ "So, my Butt and my Hoo Hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo hoo?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! RIGHT!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking to me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion they give you to remove excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and..."OH...MY...GOSH!!!!!!!!" The scream probably woke the kids and scared the heck out of my friend. It's sooooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!!! It works!!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.


Williams Family Blog said...

Kira has been wondering why every time I open the lap top this week I'm laughing. That sure was funny though I am certainly convinced that I won't be signing up for any waxing anytime soon. Although a pedicure might be nice.

Tammy said...

All services are welcomed..... I thought that would get some laughs!!!

Roxanne said...

HAHAHA! Yep, leave it to the professionals!!

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha i laughed all the way through reading this it was funny but we all love ya tammy your the best!!!!!!

Jen said...

OH My SOUL!!!!
I can sooo picture this whole thing, and I would have been NO use as a friend, because I was laughing like a mad woman!!!
I'll stick to razors thanks.

Amy said...

HA! HA! HA!!

I actually use my husband for this...but that's pretty funny too!

Tamatha said...

Definately a funny story!:o)